I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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