Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
