its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
