Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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