how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
