sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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