At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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