the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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