i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
