there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
All I want is dick and wine.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
