Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
