omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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