i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
