New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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