Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
