I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
