My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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