you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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