When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
