Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
this hospital has no fireball
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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