So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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