I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
