I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
