i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
