Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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