His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
