I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
