Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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