so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
