Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
