Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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