Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
