You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
