We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
