Got a toothbrush?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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