I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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