I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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