Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
there was a trapeze. enough said
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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