I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
