I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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