If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
