Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
