I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
