I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
