She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
