I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
