At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
