dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
