oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
