The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
